Love & Respect 3

The opening comments during devotions were very appropriate. "It's not what you do, it's why you do it." Our focus must continually be on Jesus Christ. He is what makes it all possible and what keeps us going. We stay motivated when our deepest needs are met and it is only our personal relationship with Jesus that meets those needs. We cannot depend on our marriage relationship or our spouse to satisfy our innermost needs. It's not fair to them to expect that from them.

There are two sides to the love & respect equation. If we want love from our husbands than we must give them the respect God calls us to. Some things to keep in mind as we think about our husbands and showing respect to them:
~ It's easy to pass judgment on someone who is vulnerable where we feel strong.
~ It's not what we are saying, it's how we are saying it.
~ Do not attack character; do not say, "You don't love me". Instead say, "That sounded unloving".
~ We need to respect our husbands apart from their performance. Guard against despising their spirits. Separate spirit from flesh.
~ Speak with discipline and prudence.
~ We cannot become wrapped up in our own needs so that we miss the spirit of the other person.
~ PMS- pre-murderous syndrome- is NEVER an excuse for disrespectful behavior!

We can react in one of two ways to feeling unloved: be even more disrespectful or check to see where we might be mistaken. To women, the issue of respect is marginal; we don't "get it". How do you spell respect for a man? C-H-A-I-R-S: a seat of office or authority, a position of authority.

C= conquest; appreciating his desire to work & achieve. What is the first thing men will ask each other when meeting for the first time? "What do you do?" It's their identity. God has designed men to be out "in the field". He finds his satisfaction there. Understand how important his work is to him. If we imply, even unknowingly, that our husband's work is not that important, we have just called him a loser. That calling is not an option; it is his responsibility. How often do we verbally express to our husbands our respect for the work they do and the achievements they attain? They need to hear it from us!
Practical application- listen to his work stories as closely as you expect him to listen to your accounts of what happens in the family.

H= hierarchy; appreciating his desire to provide for & protect us. Again, it is God's design for our husbands to be the head in the marriage. He does not just have the right to, but the responsibility to. Why are we wives so hesitant to place ourselves under that umbrella of protection? How many times have we actually told our husbands how much we appreciate and respect their leadership? How feminist are we really? It shows by our attitude and actions. We think our men should be big enough and tough enough to take whatever disrespect we dish out to them. NOT SO!!
Practical application- Never, in word or attitude, put down his job or how much he makes.

A= authority; appreciating their desire to serve and to lead. How many times do we assure our husbands that they have the responsibility to lead, but we hold on to the authority. Vetoing our husband's decisions is saying that we don't trust his ability and that we are in control. Men will resist when they feel we have control. A marriage with two people acting as head will struggle. This wanting to control on the wife's part will often lead our husbands to passive irresponsibility.
Practical application- you praise his good decisions and are gracious if he makes a bad one. Always, always honor his authority in front of the children.

I= insight; appreciating his desire to analyze and counsel. Men are solution-oriented. How many of us women believe we possess an exclusive and unique power of intuition that is always right? Remember this: Eve was deceived; Adam disobeyed. We do not need to be ready with all the answers. Women today are deceiving themselves in their criticism of their husbands for lack of spiritual leadership; we have developed an attitude of self-righteousness; we see ourselves as more righteous and knowledgeable than our husbands. They cannot open up to us if we are judgmental towards their character. We women have analyzed our sin issues and turned them into psychological disorders. We judge our husbands for thinking they have dark sin issues and have dismissed our very own. Ask ourselves if we are a better person because God made us one way and our husbands another.
Practical application- you admit that you can sin and thank him for his perception and godly counsel.

R= relationship; appreciating his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. Our men need companionship. They have a need for us to be with them, to quietly be with them; they don't need us talking all the time. If we are not seeing a desire for our husbands to spend time with us, we might need to evaluate why. We think we have to have a relationship on our terms. Our husbands need time to open up to us. They struggle with expressing themselves and have difficulty describing their feelings. Give them time!
Practical application- you enable him to open up and talk to you as you do things shoulder-to-shoulder without you doing all the talking.

S= (guess) sexuality; appreciating his desire for sexual intimacy. Just in case you didn't know this, men are visually oriented. His sexuality is much different than yours. Our husband's sexual release is the same as our need for emotional release. Why do we women think our feelings are the voice of God? Sexual intimacy is NOT based on what we may or may not feel! It's really not about the sex for our husbands; it's about honor. The way to get to our husband's spirit is to touch his body authentically. When we deny our husbands, we are in a lose-lose standoff. Here's the rule: you can't get what you need by depriving your husband of what he needs.
Practical application: you respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically.

I recently heard it said that it should really be spelled S-C-H-A-I-R, but that's not really a word, so...(even though, after living with my husband for 27 years, I would agree :) )

Our husbands will shut down when they must unconditionally love their wives and earn our respect. That makes them responsible for both love and respect in the relationship.

The key to marriage is not communication; it is marital understanding of one another's differences.

~ Prov. 12:4- An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness to his bones.

~ Prov. 14:1- The wisest of women builds her house, but folly, with her own hands, tears it down.

~ Prov. 17:1- Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.

~ Prov. 19:13 & 14- ...a wife's quarreling is a continual dripping of rain...but a prudent wife is from the LORD.

~ Prov. 21:9 & 19- It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife...it is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.

~ Prov. 25: 24- It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

~ Prov. 27: 15 & 16- A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one's right hand.

~ Prov. 31- An excellent wife who can find...the heart of her husband trusts in her...she does him good and not harm all the days of her life...her husband praises her.

We know what we need to do to improve our marriage. The question than is, Why aren't we doing it?