Teens in the Home

I recently read a statistic that said 33% of parents say they sometimes have major disagreements with their kids. 33%? Seriously? I would have expected that number to be a lot higher. I concluded that the remaining 67% are either disconnected from their teenagers (i.e., don't care, no guidelines), or they are super-controlling, or their kids are adept at lying or hiding.

I confess...I hate verbal confrontation and will sometimes ignore things to avoid it. I know that avoidance is not the answer and is not the biblical way to parent. Conflict is a part of life and if I avoid it with my kids, I am not teaching them how to handle issues biblically. Verbal disagreements are one way of telling my kids that it's ok for them to have their own thoughts and feelings and even to express them. It can be a teaching tool for how to do that with respect and honor. And that I will love them no matter what.

There does come a time when the old "because I'm the mom, that's why" is no longer effective. If I can remember a few practical steps for having a disagreement with one of my teenagers, I can avoid some of the minefields of living with teens.

1. Establish boundaries before or after the conflict, not in the middle of it. Assure them that it's normal to feel differently than me about certain issues, but that we both have to honor & respect each other even in disagreements. They need to know that ultimately, I, as the parent, will be held accountable before God.

2. Don't take everything that comes out my kids' mouths personally. They are trying to establish their own identities. Give them some room to do that, keeping in mind the boundary of honor & respect.

3. Remain calm- no matter what! Do NOT holler back at them. *sigh* This is most definitely my biggest area of failure. Many times I've looked back at a conflict and realized the ridiculousness of verbal volleying with one of my kids. My teens really need me to be stable. They WILL try to push my buttons. It's always best if I spend more time listening than talking.

4. Be willing to compromise if the issue is negotiable, but stand my ground if it is not. Think biblical non-negotiables.

5. If the conflict is too heated, it's best to both walk away for a time.

6. Never, ever, EVER react to anything that comes out of their mouths. Sometimes they just want to test me. I'm getting quite good at non-reacting. :)

7. After the conflict, make sure my teenager knows how very much I love them.

8. Don't bring up every issue that annoys me. Stick to the subject at hand.

9. Do not use words such as, "always", "never", etc.

10. Do not ever, EVER compare kids! EVER!

One of the most powerful parenting tools I have is my relationship with my kids. I think deep down inside, my children want me to be their parent not their friend. The friend thing will come later, if I've handled the conflicts in a God-honoring way.

The part of having teens in the home that I really enjoy is being able to have adult conversations with them, to volley ideas back and forth and to discuss biblical ideas and where they are at spiritually. They are a real joy!

New Beginnings

I am my own worst enemy.

I have a ton of things in my head to write about, but I don't even get started unless I have it all mapped out ahead of time. Why don't I just sit down and write? I think it has something to do with perfectionism, something about not even starting until I can finish well. I've always struggled with that, even in my daily chores. I've had to train myself to just do it even if it's only 15 minutes.

A new year excites me. It feels like a clean slate, a time of new beginnings. The last several months of last year were spent feeling defeated by the enemy. Life is just messy at times and, I felt like I was drowning in the confusion & chaos of it. Where was the victory that I, as a believer, was supposed to be living in?

A song I used to sing (in my days of 4-part harmony) keeps echoing through my memory:

Lift me up above the shadows, plant my feet on higher ground;
Lift me up above the clouds, Lord, where the pure sunshine is found.
Lift me up above my weakness, lift me up into Thy strength,
Lift me up above the shadows, till I stand with Thee at length.

Lift me up above the shadows, out of sorrow into joy;
Lift me up above my grief, Lord, give me gold for my alloy;
Then, when death must claim my spirit and the storms of life are past,
Lift me up above the shadows, till in heaven I stand at last.

That's where I want to stand...above the shadows. Life is still messy, but a sovereign God knows that. When I really realize how in control He is, and that I don't need to be, I live in sunshine even when there are shadows all around me.

Ahhhh...new beginnings...a clean heart...renewed fellowship with Jesus...strength in submission to God's authority.

(Man, I'd love to sing that song again in harmony with soprano, tenor & bass!!)

Away

While Momma's away....the mice do play!!!

I have one pretty amazing daughter wouldn't you say!!

The Child-Centered Home

A child-centered home is one in which the interests and activities of the child/children are at the center of where the adult members revolve. The adults in the family submit their schedules, activities and conversations to that of the child.

It is extremely important for children to learn at a very young age (probably younger than we even realize) that they are a part of something much bigger and greater than themselves. Children learn very quickly how much influence they have.

The most basic, God-ordained relationship is not the parent/child, but instead the husband/wife relationship. In our world today, that is often not the case. Parents seem to be living FOR their children. Everything- schedules, conversations, activities, goals, interests- has been about the kids. They face the empty nest years with panic because the foundation of their relationship has revolved around the children; they suddenly realize that all they have is their meaningless husband/wife relationship. So many couples are bewildered, after being married 7-10 years, at the lack of love they “feel”. They wake up and realize their lives have completely revolved around the kids, that the children are dictating the schedule, including how much time the parents spend together as a couple. They have become so child-centered that they don't have time for each other. The marriage will suffer and maybe even end because of it.

What are some possible signs of a child-centered home? Notice the word 'possible'. Not all of these things are bad, but when they are out-of-balance, they are fairly good indicators.
~Allowing kids to interrupt adult conversation
~Hovering over your kids-they will hurt themselves and break things; give them some space.
~Refusing to leave kids with sitters or if you do, micro-managing the sitter
~Permitting children to manipulate to get their own way
~Making excuses for disobedient behavior
~Letting them dictate meal times and bedtime. To a degree, kids' physical needs are different than an adults, but your whole world need not grind to a halt for the sake of a few minutes. They probably won't die if they must wait to eat or go to bed.
~Allowing child's schedule to dictate the entire family's schedule. Be very cautious of activities that consistently keep your family from Sunday worship.
~Refusing to let them cry
~Becoming your child's friend instead of authority figure

Your child will become very adept at making you feel guilty for not keeping him/her the center of attention. Very young children will cry when you walk away from them. Older kids will whine and complain about what they don't get to do. I've never yet seen a child die from crying. It's okay to push aside your feelings of guilt; your children will survive and be better for it. John Rosemond once wrote, "Some parents act as if they took a wedding vow that says, 'I take thee to be my husband/wife, until children do us part.'" Sad, but so often true. Your child has joined your home for a few brief years, but your marriage will be there long after they're gone, IF you've given it priority.

A marriage-centered home (with Christ at the very core) is crucial in those years when there are many little feet running around. What we don't realize is that the very thing we want our children to have-a secure home environment-will happen only when they realize they live with a mom and dad who love each other. This knowledge will produce the stability your kids are looking for. Children need to see parents who know how to live and love together.

It is so easy to become parents and put our marriages on the back burner. It is crucial for our children to take their proper place in the home. (Our children are very used to the phrase, “Dad's the king; Mom's the queen; deal with it”). That happens when we are intentional about our marriages. It is important to connect daily. Even 15 minutes of “Mom & Dad time” when he gets home from work is vital to this connection. Dating regularly is critical to a growing relationship. Why do we date before marriage and quit after the wedding? It doesn't have to be some big thing; coffee or ice cream & a walk is wonderful. Do fun things together, whatever that might be for you. Be affectionate to each other with physical touch. Your kids might act grossed out and tell you to “get a room”, but down inside they feel secure at knowing they have parents who love each other. Be interested in what interests your spouse. Not because you necessarily are, but because you love him.

We should be training our children to leave the home and when that time comes, we should be looking forward to it. If we consider our marriages to be the most basic, God-ordained relationship, we will be okay with an empty nest. (Personally, I'm very excited about that prospect). :)

Slacker

It is time to blog again!! I will...I promise.

The Power of the Cross

I cannot get the words of this Keith & Kristyn Getty hymn out of my mind this morning, nor do I want to.

Verse 1: Oh, to see the dawn of the darkest day;
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men, torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

Verse 2: Oh, to see the pain written on your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Every bitter thought, every evil deed
Crowning Your blood-stained brow.

Verse 3: Now the daylight flees; now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two, dead are raised to life;
"Finished!", the victory cry.

Chorus: This, the power of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath,
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Verse 4: Oh, to see my name written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death; life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

Chorus: This, the power of the cross:
Son of God, slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Jesus was delivered to His tormentors to be scourged. Our human, finite minds cannot grasp the awfulness of what that was. The Roman scourge was an instrument of torture. It was made out of the sinew of oxen and intertwined with bits of bone; every time that lash came down on the back of our Lord these bones inflicted deep lacerations and tore the flesh off. No doubt Jesus was tied to a column of some sort for this beating. This picture of my Savior leaves me horrified and weeping over His body. As a believer, can I truly grasp such agonizing love? As a believer, I can claim the verse in Isaiah 53, "With His stripes we are healed"! What hope and love wells up in me!

I go to commune with Him tonight knowing and sorrowing that my sin cost Him so dearly- and yet! rejoicing in my deliverance and knowing I am complete in Him. Because He was numbered among the transgressors and because I am truly saved, I am numbered among the believers in Christ.

Where are you in regards to the cross? Are you content to follow from behind, curious but not committed? Are you ok with contemplating Christ but never communing with Him? Have your sins kept you separated from Him? Is your heart at rest? Can you live contentedly without the present enjoyment in the Savior? Do you sorrow over the hardness of your heart? If yes, then Go To The Cross! It is only there that you will find answers. No matter how hard, how insensitive, how dead you have become, you can be made clean in the fountain that flows with His shed blood. By His stripes, you are healed and by His power over death you are made alive!

Hosea 10: 12- "...For it is time to seek the Lord..."

It's Friday, but Sunday is coming!

A Most Important Question

What must I do to be saved?

That question was asked by the 1st century jailer of Paul & Silas and it still remains for us to ask today. We are troubled by our failures and our consciences bother us; we wonder what can rescue us from our fallen condition.

Their answer to the jailer was quite simple: "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved".

What does that mean to us today? We must turn away from our race towards hell & destruction and turn TO God in Christ. Turning from our life of selfishness is to repent of the sins that have kept us from belief; turning to God in Christ is trusting in Christ as an actual person who completed His God-sent mission of an awful, violent death on the cross to release the penalty of sin.

We are the prodigal son/daughter who realizes that we can't do this thing called life on our own and we turn back and run to the Father's open arms. We cannot continue to run to God and run to sin at the same time.

Does that mean we will never sin again? Absolutely not! But it will be against our better judgment and deepest longings. Sin will no longer dominate us. As a child of God, we will be obedient to repentance and will put our complete faith and trust in Him and His Word.

How do we know if we are thus saved? Faith is a gift that God gives us; we can't grow our own faith, but we can grow in godliness. The evidence of our salvation will be lived out in us through the filling of the Holy Spirit. A continual examination of our hearts will be needed to see if we are growing or not. Disciplining ourselves to studying God's word is necessary so that we can rightly discern the condition of our hearts. Are our lives filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & discipline? Or are they characterized by immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, strife, jealousy, anger, etc?

Salvation is past, present and future. We have been saved from the punishment of our sins; we are being saved from the power of sin and we will be saved when we are with Christ bowing at the feet of our heavenly Father.

What must YOU do to be saved?